tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
