You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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