If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
