So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
