Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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