I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize