This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
