I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
