If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
