So gin and wine won't be happening again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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