First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
