WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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