I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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