I puked a lego.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
