and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
