My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
