I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize