I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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