I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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