Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
