I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
