so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
