Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nicole vs. Life
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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