shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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