ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
