She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
