the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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