Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
