When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
