worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
