I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Randomize
