I think i peed on brittanys purse
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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