Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
