So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
