My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The uberlube is also flammable
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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