I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
