Someone shit on the floor
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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