I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
