She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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