You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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