dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
