My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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