Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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