using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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