Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
