please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
