I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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