U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
