So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
