I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
