she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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