she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
