dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
