I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
