Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
