you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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