would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
