I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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