My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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